A really long way of saying "I want you to want me 'cause you want to."

There is a desire in me to consume everything that I love with fire. This desire exists beside one whose only purpose is to be elastic enough for the object of my love to run on me — far away and fast-sufficient — returning only as often as his will chooses to. This essay is my reconciliation of both.

1. Fidelity is not a matter of rationale; it’s not the principled thing to do. Fidelity is the choice one makes after all of the bad options are no longer fun to experience.

I’m a product of a marriage that satiated its hunger by use of everything except the two people involved. They never used each other, and at age 8, I thought that was appropriate. By age 29, I see that as unacceptable, cost-deficient, and a waste of time. When I love you, that’s the end of you: I eat you alive with the same teeth that smile at your remains. I’m ignorant against every theology in my body that tells me to know better. I ask you to beg once, at most, because suffering is the only place I draw the line.

2. One partner believes that marriage is the means instead of the end. They believe that marriage, largely, best facilitates the accomplishment of individual goals — that marriage should be treated as the means to an end that is individualistic, singular, and alone. Marriage is necessary only to the extent that it allows one person to achieve their best self independently, and marriage is only beneficial when compared to how successfully one person is able to fulfill their personal purpose. These marital benefits come in the form of secured housing (one less thing to worry about), secured income (one less thing to worry about), a familiar partner (a guaranteed accomplice in one’s journey, one to bounce ideas off of and rely on emotionally and objectively; no passion is required, however), etc. These marital benefits are necessary only because they allow one person to be their best self by themselves; these martial benefits are not necessary because they positively affect a unit, a couple.

On the other side of that line, though, is the awareness that the only thing that could truly be mine is the thing that I give the option of being another’s. It’s the awareness that what’s mine never is, really, and that the most I can hope for is that the hunger in him chooses the _______ in me. The hope in me. The service in me. The sugar in me. Whatever that is.

3. The other partner believes that marriage is a delicate thing — a thing that must be maintained together, through joint effort.

But I also know that an awareness doesn’t always necessitate a truth. I can recognize a lot of things without needing them to pry open the behavior of my survival. There is a friendship from 3 years ago that I still miss; there are 8 secondhand choices that would’ve handed me a life far different than the one I’m writing about today. Both of these concepts are things that I recognize, but I’ve also managed to survive without them. I’m right here — still. A recognition has never been the end of me, and it never will.

4. I still need 10,000 hours with you.

Anyway, on Sunday nights now, I rub things into my face and relax on 3 pillows while I watch a TV show that, I think, depicts scenes from a marriage. All of the new ideas that it’s given me — the new thoughts to exercise — terrify me greatly because I’m still trying to remember that an awareness doesn’t have to be my truth even when I could benefit from its honesty.

5. Fidelity, then, isn’t a matter of “good” and “bad”, and neither is the idea of being faithful to a partner. Constancy, loyalty, accountability, and fidelity all only occur within relationships because the option to perform the opposite no longer exists. You have been unfaithful to your partner so many times that the only choice you have left is to be honest — to be committed to them — and now you enjoy it. You enjoy fidelity only because you’ve exhausted the option to cheat. Faithfulness now becomes a matter of exclusion instead of principle.

I’m trying to make sense of what fidelity means to me, whether it exists in a context or not, whether you love me because you choose to or because I am the last thing left for you to adore without consequence.

6. “I feel safe, loved, confident, and cared for within my relationship because my partner has explored all of his other options and still chooses to commit to me in spite of the other romantic alternatives available to him.”

It’s uncomfortable to recognize yourself as a thing that is disposable and only at will, as a thing that someone has to decide upon daily, as someone who can be lived without, but that’s what love is, I guess: it’s an awareness that what is mine is already complete — I’m already delightful without you — but I choose you still because I want to be too much. I want to be overflowing and imposing, terrific but hard to look at, a necessary thing if unfit at times, and the only way I’ll get there is by recognizing that I have to choose to love you first.

7. “I feel safe, loved, confident, and cared for within my relationship because my partner has chosen not to explore the other options that are widely available to him and instead chooses to commit to me without needing to experience other romantic alternatives.”

 Still, a recognition will not be the end of me.

8. Where one partner believes that marriage is the means to an end, the other partner believes that the means was everything that each of them achieved in their lives up until the point of finding each other, and now marriage is the end. Marriage is the success — the end goal —  it is the accomplishment. This partner believes that marriage is the end of each solo journey. It’s “I can’t do anything else without you.” It’s the ultimate end to individuality.

I see myself in each of these 8 points, but I see myself most in choices. Love, for me, is freedom from possession, from expectation, from personal religion, and even still, I need you to choose me. I need to be decided upon. I need to be taken over.

I see myself fully and with a vision which guarantees that my partner will not need to eliminate other options first before realizing that my presence is most enjoyable, most important, and I see myself fully and with a vision that still allows my partner the freedom to arrive at that conclusion on his own terms — his own timing — away from me. I love people too much to make decisions for them; when I ask for the same in return, I can only hope that they see me with the same vision I see myself.